Relationships Part 1

I'm sure this topic is going to show up in many, many forms, but we'll see what this one turns out to be about.

I've been spending some time on the site Yahoo! Answers, since I love giving advice and seeing what other people are dealing with in their lives.  I would guess that most of the people who post in the single and dating area of the Relationships topic are between 13 and 18, as most of them are along the lines of "How can I make my crush notice me," "I've been dumped, I'm heartbroken, how do I make him/her take me back?", "I'm really shy,  I think this boy/girl likes me" (with a voluminous list of overanalyzed glances and behaviors and a "what-does-this-mean?") + a "so what should I do/say?"

I know about childhood magical thinking, that everything DOES revolve around us, everything that happens around we caused somehow, even the really "bad" stuff.  Given the number of people who never learn that we can't make anyone love us, take us back, listen to us, "get" us, appreciate us, or do anything else for us that we want them to do, I wonder how the rest of us ever do learn that.  I'm also a little heartbroken for these young teenage girls who are desperately trying to figure out what they need to change about themselves so that their crush who isn't noticing them at the moment, will.

There is a rating system for the answers, and I am pleased that mine often get picked as the best one.  I love being able to share with these girls that what will be attractive about them to other people is confidence, self-esteem and happiness; but very importantly, just being themselves.  There is a lot less stress when you just accept who you are and trust that you're ok, rather than trying to twist yourself into knots trying to be what you imagine some other person (who in this case they barely know, if at all) wants anyway.  I know this is a tall order for adolescents who are trying to figure out who they are and if/how they fit in, but there's no time like the present to start.

Stop calling yourself a loser just because you're the last one in your group to be dating.  Stop calling yourself a loser just because the person you have been calling your best friend chooses someone else for science lab once.  Stop calling yourself a loser just because you're shy and you think you're the only one who's nervous about talking to new people - or anyone.  Stop calling yourself a loser just because you're not the prettiest or cutest person in school, or in any of the cool cliques.

Or you may end up like one woman with no self-esteem who posted that her fiance broke up with her three months before their wedding, because of a text she got from an old boyfriend who she swears she is just friends with (while the fiance is getting sexted by some skank at 2 am.)   But hey, she really loves him and just can't live without him; and besides, he really loves her son who needs a good father figure, and she really can't understand why would he call the police on her when she showed up at his house in the middle of the night with a GUN, screaming, crying and begging him to take her back.  How can she make him take her back, she asks, after going on and on about what kind of asshole calls off the wedding only three months before?  o.0

Where do you even start? LOL  I listed all the red flags, all the ways that this relationship is NOT about love - REAL love, love that is accepting, supportive, trusting, and patient.  What they have is poor communication (sending and listening), not talking things through patiently, respectfully and calmly; not trusting, jumping to the worst conclusions, insecurity on both sides, no self-worth apart from the relationship... and what kind of role modeling is this for her young son?  Best she get some help figuring out why she doesn't think she has a life outside of someone who is clearly cheating on her and doesn't have the patience or the willingness to give her the benefit of the doubt so they can work through the issue of the ex; figure out what she needs to do to love herself enough to set higher standards for a relationship, THEN she'll have a shot at happiness and provide good role modeling for her son.